Sigh

It's been a long time between posts and I apologize for that. I have had a hard time organizing my thoughts lately and the memories that this blog awakens within myself are at times painful.

I have also been writing stories of a longer length that I don't feel comfortable putting before the public eye. So, for a time, this blog may merely suit to express the subjectivity of my own feelings.

I am out of what was a difficult time for me now, though, and the rigors of my coursework and social life have really propelled me in a positive direction. I have already spent alot of time working with different school clubs that I am an officer in and this time has been doubtlessly well spent. All of my time has either been used working with the band, hanging out with school friends, coursework, martial arts, bonsai and writing. Notice that sleep was not included in the mix. The only reason this blog is probably being written is because I had time to grab a cup of coffee this morning.

I have decided that I am going to buy an hour by hour planner and plan my weeks a week a head of time. I truly believe that I have the ability to succeed in my coursework and socially but that these results will only happen as a consequence of extremely micromanaged time.

On a side-note I have been feeling good about myself lately, better than I have in a while. I attribute this to being surrounded by people that love me and also by working hard to express my reciprocal feelings for them. God has really helped me out lately.

This is going to be a good semester, I promise more poetry in the future but for now this is what I have. I wrote it during lunch the other day while my lunch-companion was occupied:

As the light shines down from the tall glass. Speckled spots of sun burnt carpet and aging subtropicals.

My new friend, a little black cup sitting beside one red and white. Like the colors had opened up and decided to resonate differently, up the rim, vibrating the surface and out through the lid.

But leave the room, and light becomes but grey. Leave the earth, no one ever stays. Fly out on, a passing stars tail. Sit on the sun, wait for a while.

Then turn off the music and put the fancy lights away. Then put off your mind and the extensions of the brain. Look up at the glass and see the sun shining through. Smile, my friend, because life’s screwing you.

You put the candle out and close your eyes.

It's colder now.

Bright enough to see your breath condense

midair.

an empty pocket,

the savior takin the midnight train.

not enough to follow.

only a giant staring down at you,

quietly waiting.

It's colder now.

Then an angel flies by.

and you curse.

How could it fly so

high?

While you can only

look up.

then an angel leaves.

It's colder now.

All the world looks at you and

snears.

a darker angel,

from the corner.

tempted to

die.

then you see people's faces.

and

their tears.

It's colder now.

what are you doin?

livin for someone else.

You'll never

see.

You see the candle's

out.

It's colder now.

a wolf denied

A friend sleeps late,

hindering time.

but it's not open for debate,

sleep will not wake.

Writing horribly,

under a sunlit sky.

praying to the moon,

die heathen die.

lampshades and pillow cushions,

this is love.

these are the things that kill men.

the decide their fate.

All of a man lost to domesticity,

We are not men.

no, we are wolves

we have only one rule, that we tell no-one we are wolves.

They can't see our fangs,

under our pale skin.

they cant see our manes,

we are too strong.

You, little boy,

you will be a wolf.

You will see pain and blood,

you will feel nothing.

you will be nothing.

only a wolf.

a worthless little wolf.

then one day you will see red flying,

you will feel it on your face.

you will be a wolf, and you will smile at the damned world.

A friend sleeps late,

so the mind wanders,

what pains of fate,

oh, testosterone ponders.

The Hill part 3

John was a man of purpose. Of artificial purpose that is. He was born into a nice family with a nice sister, nice mother and even a nice father. But at the age of eighteen John decided that nice just wasn't good enough for him. He wanted to be the best. So he started to act like the best. John did everything he could to ignore the looming reality that he was entirely inadequete. He would wear their clothing, talk their talk and move like an untouchable man. Even though John is sounding like such an idiot he really wasn't one. Deep down he knew that it would take some dynamic action to move him into the upper echelons of society. John knew that he could not merely do it himself. He tried over and over again to do something to merit the title. John started a gang, he dealed drugs, he payed his way into a hot girl's heart and so on but it seemed that his actions were never enough. It didn't occur to John that perhaps he was not yet the best because his possible existence in that role could threaten those around him that already carried that title. John needed something heroic and daring to prove that he had what it took. So, when John heard the gunshot and looked up to see poor, innocent-eyed Jill Fall Paterson laying in the dust he realized that this was the chance he had been waiting for. John leaped into his tricked-out '84 black Honda Civic and sped toward her. As he neared her pitiful, failing body he opened his door and threw her into the car. Bullet's from the bests gun were zipping past him, taking out his rear view mirror and shattering a window. He looked at Jill, who lay spellbound beside him, and yelled "get down!" Just like they do in the movies. As if Jill didn't already know to get down.
The two managed to make it out of town but they had one small complication which, little did they know, would test John's herosim and Jill's innocence to the extreme...

too be continued

The Hill part 2

Jill was a night-walker of the midnight hour. She was the best in the town, really knew how to make 'em feel special. The lights were her playground; those dull yellow street lights down the main drag. She attracted alot of classy customers too. She had long dark hair with the most innocent light-brown eyes. Her eyes are what got 'em. On shift they would change from brown to tinges of amber. Jill Fall Paterson. Jill because she was just a normal girl tryin to make it. Fall because of those eyes. Patersoon because, I don't know, because you can't really choose that one. The best, she was the best. She dressed the best. She walked the best. She did it for the best. Well, one of the best really liked Jill. He liked her deeper. She never realized it till it was too late. He was like one of those puddles that you think is shallow but when you step in it, into the center of it, you drown.

This guy, he liked Jill too much, compromised business. So Jill told him to leave and he did but then he came back. He came back with all of his goons that wanted to be the best but didnt have the luck of being born into it. She tried to run but they shot her first. After three hundred yards the best that liked her the best shot through her best left rib...

too be continued

The Hill part 1

As the wood loosened into red coals and the fire began to fade they held tight; hand in hand. It was like the entire world desired to crash down around them and that it had succeeded. They were alone, in the middle of nowhere and no-one anywhere cared. The fires of the Titans turned to a bitter wind and, before them, they faced only death.

There were three: John, Jace and Jill. Until this day they had not known each other even existed. John barely kept track of their names and Jace didn't care what their names were. It was a deep forest with tall, drifting white pines and browning european ferns. There was no moss along the ground for it was too dry and there was no soft places to lay for it was all rocks. It was a place where you died. Plain and simple. How they came to be in that place, however, is not simple at all...

to be continued.